I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
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I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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