All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
