Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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