Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
