Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
