I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
