Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
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I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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