Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
