Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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