there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
