Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
