I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
