I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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