just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
