He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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