So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Someone came in the potted fern
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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