we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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