Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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