Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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