Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
