mondays should just be called national damage control day
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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