youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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