she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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