a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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