Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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