Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
