i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just googled if crying burns calories
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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