Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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