i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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