I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
