Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
