i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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