bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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