My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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