Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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