and you said cock pushups were impossible
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
