Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
