im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
