In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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