I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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