I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
