Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
two words: eviction party
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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