Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
