Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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