i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
barbara walters just said penis...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
