the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
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pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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