my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
