god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
