i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
