What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
