So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
