so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
