One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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