My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
