she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
