I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
