I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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