I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just threw up on my dentist
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She told me I should be a condom model.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
